Where’s the rip cord?

Free falling

So, I’ve jumped out of the aeroplane and gone meds free. I now feel like I am free falling and can’t find the rip cord to slow my decent back down to earth, back down to feeling everything again.

Was I ready? I don’t know, I really don’t know. All I do know is, feeling everything again isn’t as nice as I was hoping for. I don’t want to spend my life in a euphoric state hiding behind antidepressants, but at the same time I don’t want to feel how I do right now either.

I wouldn’t say I’m clinically depressed, just not feeling great. I’m overthinking uncontrolingly and constantly exhausted. Maybe I have to face the stark reality of it’s just who I am.

Normally I would go to the gym(not currentlyopen obviously) , go out on my bike, go cycling or for a run. I don’t seem to have the energy or motivation for any of those things. I need to snap out of this mindset, I need to find myself again.

Although I’m no longer on escitalopram or diazepam, I am taking amitriptyline. I’m taking if for relief of the constant physical pain I’m in. It is used for both the treatment of pain and also depression. My dose has just been doubled so hopefully it may also help to brighten my mood soon.

I may refer for some more therapy just to “top up”. I’m not letting myself get as bad as I was starting to around this time last year. It will not happen. I’m much stronger now.

I’m not fun to be around right now, I know that. Probably for the best that we are still in a nationwide lockdown. If you’ve messaged or emailed me and I’ve not yet replied, I apologise, I will soon.

One thing that is helping right now is reading. My favourite book that really helps me is “the chimp paradox” by prof Steve Peters.

I will find the rip cord and slow my decent, who knows I may even get back on the plane.

Don’t forget to like, share and follow my blog. Without you all this would be pointless. Thank you

About catmann1973

Hi, I’m Martin. 47 years old, living in Suffolk. I have three amazing grown up children. I have the best family and friends in the world. I am a football fan, love going to the gym and I am a motorcycle pilot. I’ve had mental health problems all of my life. This site is about my past, present and future. I’m hoping to make it easier for people to be able to speak freely about mental health. It can affect anyone at anytime.


  1. It must be terrifying, but I hope you are okay xx

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