The following was sent to me by a subscriber from the USA. It’s them talking about their overthinking and anxieties about being sick from work. They are off work due to poor mental health, but now home is it really helping? Where is the help? What are the mental health professionals doing? I’m guessing not much. Take these tablets……numb it all out.
“mental breakdown pending…
What if everyone at work hates me
What if they all slag me off like they do others
What if I’m the butt of their jibes
What if my boss is really angry at me
What if my boss hates me
What if I’ve made work really short staffed
What if everyone is gonna gang against me before I’m back and I come back and they attack me or something
What if I’m gonna be sacked
I really want to call my boss but he hasn’t replied to my email and I know this isn’t an emergency but I don’t know how I’m gonna survive my self isolation with my thought process about work like I know my thoughts are irrational and probably not true but I can’t get them out of my head!!! I feel like someone has shook my brain like a snow globe”
I go through stages of not being able to silence my inner dialogue. It drives me crazy. People notice if I’m quiet and ask if I’m okay? Unless I’m with people I really like, I’m at my best when I’m quiet. The constant jokes, laughing and being generally annoying are all a big front, hiding the feelings inside.
When I’m alone with mind it can be beautiful or a waking nightmare. The last few weeks I have been exhausted with the constant anxious overthinking. I relive every negative word, every uneasy conversation, it drives me insane. At times I just can’t turn it off. I feel low for no reason at all.
I feel guilty and helpless for things that I have no control over. The thoughts of others. I feel it. That’s the beauty of bpd, I get to feel everything, good and bad. Thanks mind.
I’ve lost people close to me over the past couple of months. I (like many others) wasn’t able to attend their funerals due to the restrictions currently in place. Although they weren’t direct family or people that I saw often, I was still affected by their passing. I have no closure for them and I’m not able to see their families. Its a shit time to exit the earth.
I’m nearly halfway through dry January. They say that drinking isn’t good for mental health and I tend to agree. I could do with a beer now though, just to relax and unwind. On a positive note, I have more energy and I’ve lost nearly 2 kg in weight. Not bad for the middle of a lockdown and the gym is closed.
Passion and my support bubble
I managed to go out on my beloved yamaha today for the first time since before Christmas. It felt good, no actually it felt amazing. I forgot every negative thought, every ounce of anxiety was gone. I normally ride listening to music through my ear buds. I had planned to listen to “you me at six” (who I am slightly obsessed with right now). However I forgot to put my buds in and couldn’t be bothered to take off my crash helmet etc when I realised. It was nice to be able to hear my exhaust banging and popping as rode through the cold winter air. I didn’t go far, just to see my “friend” in my “support bubble”. I wasn’t there long, just long enough for a coffee and a chat, it was lovely. Thank you.
I’ll leave you all with my current favourite song. I hole you enjoy it. Thank you all for reading.