2020 through my eyes

The early months

The year didn’t start off to badly. I went to the mcn bike show in London with my bestie (Bec) We met some amazing people. I got to sit on and dream about far to many bikes. It was at the show that I tried on a set of one piece leathers. They were an absolute bargain. I first tried on a leather jacket to find my size. To those of you that don’t know, the only measurement involved when buying leathers is the chest measurement. With the jacket I confirmed my size, 44″. I stripped down to my t-shirt and fire crackers in the makeshift changing room and squeezed into the leathers. So far so good. I stepped out of the changing room to be confronted by Bec and the salesman. He asked, How do they feel? I replied, they are a little tight in the “gentleman area”. He told me they would stretch and to assume the position of sitting on a bike where comfort would return. He was right. I loved them, the knee sliders, the elbow sliders and even shoulder sliders. In my head they where mine, done job, sold. until…. I couldn’t get the fucking things off, I was completely stuck. I sheepishly called out of the changing room “Bec, help”… As much as I tried to lever them off, I just couldn’t, they were part of me. I stepped out of the changing room to the amusement of Bec and the salesman. “Help”, it took the two of them to prise me out. The salesman asked “are you going to buy them?”. I replied ” I live alone mate, if i went out for a ride on a Friday, I would still be in them until the Monday when I got to work. I`ll leave them if you don’t mind.

I finally went on the London Eye and loved it.

I managed to go to the ace cafe (I was disappointed).

The overdose

Everything was finally falling into place I started to make plans for my future, plans that fell apart before they had begun. I could feel my mental health was starting to go downhill, and stupidly did nothing about it until it was to late. We all know what happened next…….Yet again part of me died. It had to.

I don’t really need to say much about this that hasn’t already been said. I was in a bad place, a dark place that I never want to or will visit again. I let myself and those around me that love me down. I’m sorry. At that point there was no other go on the way I was. I was dead inside. I lost friends and even worse……

Waking up in a hospital bed wired to machines, hallucinating is not great. I had let my family down, I had let my friends down, I had let myself down. Some of the following weeks were a bit of a blur to me. All I know is I had to change. This would/ could never happen to me again. It was time to make myself bulletproof. You only get one life, right?

Lockdown

Lockdown had started before I overdosed. I remember the highlight of my birthday was going shopping for my friends that were shielding. A birthday to forget.

During the first lockdown everyone was united. Shops had one way systems and people queued outside patiently. We all respected each other, helped each other out and respected the rules. The weather was lovely one of the hottest summers I remember. During this time I learned to get my knee down on my motorbike, my therapy, my release. Over the coming months the feeling of unity disappeared. I got through the hell of sertraline and my anxiety started to settle down.

Overall I enjoyed my summer, rebuilding myself

I spent the next few weeks/months sorting myself out. You will have read about the small fortune that I spent on hypnotherapy. My friends came trough for me, new and old. I had to build bridges, and make sure they were strong enough to last. I had to invest in myself, and I did. I lost friends that i thought would stand next to me through thick and thin. I was wrong. I learned lessons the hard way. I learned that I stand alone. The two constants in my life were my family/friends and of course my beloved motorbike. I rode miles this year and had some of the best times with my riding crew. Thank you guys. We went to revved up in Clacton, Stonham barns bike nights, TTT in Sudbury to name but a few places. It wasn’t the destination that was important to me, but the belonging, the feeling part of something. Bikers stick together, we are the best.

In many respects I had one of the best summers of my life since my teenage years. I got to test ride my dream bike. A Yamaha R1

I was off from work for months, rebuilding myself, bullet-proofing. Was I bullet proof when I returned? No, I fell apart. I had gone back far to soon. I wasn’t ready. As soon as I entered the building I had flash backs to a dark time . There was nothing I could do. I was told to man up. Helpful coming from a so called mental health advocate.

Body

So I finally found I gym that like https://bodywizegym.co.uk/ of course covid got in the way of that. I am slowly getting my body as well as my mind back into shape. It will take a while as age is no longer on my side, but I will get there

Friends

I wouldn’t be where I am right now without my friends. Some have been in my life for a very long time. Some I have met very recently. I want to thank you all. A big shout out to the following in no particular order….Bec, okay so you had to be first. Thank you for not giving up on me and being honest throughout. ,sorry I let you down. You’ve always had my back, I know that now

Margie and Lynn, constant shoulders to cry on.

Pete, Arthur my ride out crew. Thank you.

Rachel

Sandra

Peter and Emily

Gerry and Sharon

The guys at https://www.mototechniks.com/ Simon, Luke, Neil, Martyn. Not only the best motorbike dealers around, but the the best guys too. Thank you for making me poor and being there for me.

About catmann1973

Hi, I’m Martin. 47 years old, living in Suffolk. I have three amazing grown up children. I have the best family and friends in the world. I am a football fan, love going to the gym and I am a motorcycle pilot. I’ve had mental health problems all of my life. This site is about my past, present and future. I’m hoping to make it easier for people to be able to speak freely about mental health. It can affect anyone at anytime.
%d bloggers like this: