Xmas (not) in hell

Merry Christmas.That’s what people say at Christmas, right?
Except normally they have someone to say it to.……

This year I did, I was surrounded by family and friends, I had a good day. I drank to much, ate to much and laughed until it ached. I spoke to my children. They were happy, I was happy. I can’t remember the last time I actually enjoyed Christmas. I opened presents that I didn’t deserve or expect. I loved them all, but felt guilty of giving nothing in return…..still this nagging voice inside my head… why do these people like me?

I’ve started a new diary and this time I have a few new reasons.

I’m Reading back through my old diary’s, while starting a new one. I used to write so much, something that helped me immensely. I plan to write daily again. Reading back I was in a much darker, more disturbing place. A place I never want to, or will visit again. I’m in a much better place than I have been for years. Having borderline personality is still a lifelong lonely journey. It’s not a path that I would have chosen for myself. A path that not many will understand or want to walk with me.

It’s just me and you, diary. Welcome to my fucking life.

Back to the stark reality of being alone today. Tier four lockdown and living by myself is feeling bleak right now. I can’t see my friends in person, nowhere is open and it’s cold and wet. Technology is now a vital way of staying in touch, but nothing compared to physical company. I’m not clinically or manically depressed anymore, just feel alone. I am however, grateful to still be here.

Nobody would believe the shit that happens inside my head, it’s haunted.

I have so much going on inside my head. It’s a constant unwanted narrative of my past, present and future. Sometimes I overthink while paralysed, other times I act without thinking at all. It’s draining. Fortunately now though I like myself, when I look in the mirror I like what I see. Maybe I am enough.

Those that know

Will have worked out the headings above are from “Xmas in hell” the opening song on the sixx am album “the heroin diaries“. The album and book tell the story of Nikki Sixx and his journey through life, his battle with addiction and depression. I am not a world famous rock star, but I can relate to and learn from his story. As you all know I have a constant theme tune playing inside my head. For the last couple of days it has been the afore mentioned album.

About catmann1973

Hi, I’m Martin. 47 years old, living in Suffolk. I have three amazing grown up children. I have the best family and friends in the world. I am a football fan, love going to the gym and I am a motorcycle pilot. I’ve had mental health problems all of my life. This site is about my past, present and future. I’m hoping to make it easier for people to be able to speak freely about mental health. It can affect anyone at anytime.
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