Was that even me?

Ten months

Looking back over the past few months is not easy for me. There are parts I can’t remember (thankfully) and parts I cannot forget.

January

This was when I first noticed a decline in my mental health. The change in my medication, not being able to sleep and my unhealthy lifestyle where all starting to take a toll. Although I was aware there seemed to be nothing I could do, I was numb. A couple of months later my boss at work noticed my decline and didn’t want me to be alone that night. She even got me to go a try to sleep at work for a couple of hours. Even this wasn’t enough to make me realise.

April

A month I usually enjoy. The clocks change, the days get longer, the weather improves and its my birthday. This year it is a month I would rather forget. It was the darkest, lowest month of my life. I still wake in the night covered in sweat having flashbacks. It was the month of my overdose.

Questions

I ask myself over and over the same question, why? Why did I let myself get that bad. The simple answer is, I don’t know. Now it doesn’t feel like it was even me. Obviously it was me, just a version not in control or aware. The following months were all over the place. Until my medication was sorted out and I got myself into a place where I actually wanted to change, I had many very dark days.

Memory

As much as I want to forget most of it, I’m glad I can remember. It is a life long lesson of what not to do ever again. I am so far away from that person it doesn’t feel like me. Unfortunately it was.

Grateful

I am so grateful to many people in my life. I’m not going to name anyone. You know who you are. I’m talking about bosses at work who saw the good in me and wanted me to go back. My family for supporting me. My friends for believing in me and not giving up.

Now

I am possibly in the best place I have ever been in. My mental health is strong and my physical health is improving. It’s taking me a long time to get to this point. I am going to continue on my journey. I will make myself bulletproof.

About catmann1973

Hi, I’m Martin. 47 years old, living in Suffolk. I have three amazing grown up children. I have the best family and friends in the world. I am a football fan, love going to the gym and I am a motorcycle pilot. I’ve had mental health problems all of my life. This site is about my past, present and future. I’m hoping to make it easier for people to be able to speak freely about mental health. It can affect anyone at anytime.
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