Just laying here in bed and a thought came into my mind. The thought was deep. How would life be if I had actually died. I didn’t want to die, but my body didn’t know that did it?
I don’t know what happens when you die, but from my point of view the pain would have stopped, instantly. For everyone else the pain would have lasted weeks, months and for some, a lifetime.
My three kids would have spent the rest of their lives without me. Probably half missing me and half hating me. Curt, Ellie and Ozzie, I’m not going anywhere. I want to see you pass your driving tests, get married and make me a grandad (not just yet though please). I love you all.
My mum (who has dementia) would never have understood why I didn’t visit anymore, she would never desert me, so why did I try to desert her? My brother, sister in law, auntie and cousins would probably all feel the same as my children. I love you all.
I think they (and probably everyone else) would never understand why I did it. It doesn’t matter how much you try to explain, you can never fully understand another’s mental illness. Again I think they would both half miss me and half hate me. I love you all.
Yes, you get a section all to yourself. I tell everyone that you are my adopted sister, and I mean it. I love you. It was your text when I came out of hospital that hit me the hardest. The following imagine is the last part of a message that you sent me. I’m making a promise for the whole world to see….I am getting the help, I will never do it again.
My motorbike and car would have been sold. My clothes would be in a charity shop along with my other possessions, minus maybe a couple of bits that people may have kept to remember me by. Someone else would be living in my flat and I would have been replaced and forgotten about at work. I would just be a memory.
I am extremely lucky to still be here. I am surrounded by people that haven’t turned their backs on me. I am blessed and I am getting better. In the last couple of days, I have seen a massive improvement in myself.
I started this whole blog to help people who are going through or have been through what I have over the last few months. It is okay to talk about mental health. We all need to talk about our mental health and remove the stigma. I can’t do this from beyond the grave.