Thats how BPD makes me feel, lonely. I can be surrounded by friends or on my own, it makes no difference, I am always lonely.
The emotions I go through in any given day are exhausting. That’s why I like to act the clown. If I can make others laugh, it distracts from my true self.
The questions I asked of my friends last night to find out how they see me were for two reasons. The first was for me to try to discover who I am in their eyes and the second was “homework” from a book that I am currently working through. I couldn’t say at the time because the answers would have been different. If I again ask random things of anyone, please assume that it will be for the two above reasons and I will share them on my blog and use them in my work book. The book is available buy clicking on the link below.
Today I spoke with the nurse at my doctors. She wants to up my escitalopram to 10mg in a weeks time. I am happy to do this. I said to her, I really want my talking therapy to start. That’s the thing that will help the most long-term. The pills will help to take the edge off of the anxiety and help me to relax.
I plan to call my hypnotherapist tomorrow to ask for a “top up” session. The work he has done with me so far has been amazing. In our last chat, we decided that the next plan would be to have a course of speaking therapy. The waiting list is horrendous. I WANT IT NOW!! Just like everyone else in my situation.