Constant state of limbo

That’s where I spend most of my life. I never know where I want to be or who I want to spend my time with. I never live in the present. I’m either reliving old conversations or imagining future ones. Constant memories or imagined futures running around in my mind. I do listening exercises, meditation and relaxation hypnosis, still I drift off. I just want to scream “mind, shut the fuck up for five minutes”, but as of yet, it doesn’t. I’ll read a book, well the first five lines over and over. I’ll listen to a song and at the end remember that I didn’t actually hear any of it. I’ll be involved in conversations but not remember what we are actually talking about. I can be at home alone or surrounded by friends and feel just as lonely. I don’t know who I am anymore.

One thing I do know is who I want to be. I want to be me. I just don’t know who I am myself. I asked my closest/best friends how they would describe me to to someone they know, but I don’t. I want to see myself as others do, how they portray me. Here are some of the answers……..

Mad, funny, kind, thoughtful.

A very very caring and kind person with a huge heart that would go out of his way to help anybody within means. Cares more for others feelings and needs than himself most of the time. So determined to make others smile even through his own internal sadness. But also a very unreadable person in terms of his own moods/feelings. Someone whom I love and care for very much and needs to realise just how great he is x

A bit of a nutter but a jolly good egg 🥚

Mad, open, confident and down to earth xx

Mad as a box of frogs. But he puts up with me!

Ok… so “mad” is a recurring theme

I’m not very good with words 😂 if I was to describe you to someone who knew me but not you I would say Martin is quirky, my kind of person. We have conversations about the most random things and find things funny that other people would probably think is weird. Even though you’re over 10 years older than me I don’t think you act your age 😂 I just see you as my age.

On a good day, funny, loving, up for most things and obsessed with your phone. Best not put your bad day.

The obsession with my phone is only related to promoting my blog. There is so much work involved. Constant emails, tweets, messages all just to stay relevant. I really want this blog to gain organic traction, I’m putting my heart and soul into it. The average blogger is on their phone/laptop/tablet for up to 9 hours a day. I’ll work on being more sociable 😊.

So. The above are how people close to me, see me. So why can’t I? I see myself as worthless, annoying, irritating, boring and generally not worth knowing. I didn’t ask the question because I wanted or needed praising, it was a genuine question. To me the answer portrays who I actually am, I now need to learn to see myself that way. That’s the work I have to do.

About catmann1973

Hi, I’m Martin. 47 years old, living in Suffolk. I have three amazing grown up children. I have the best family and friends in the world. I am a football fan, love going to the gym and I am a motorcycle pilot. I’ve had mental health problems all of my life. This site is about my past, present and future. I’m hoping to make it easier for people to be able to speak freely about mental health. It can affect anyone at anytime.
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