Pushed….

…..Myself to go out today. I woke up early and made a coffee to take back to bed with me. I felt dreadful and intended to stay in bed all day. This all changed when Lauren my youngest daughter text me. College has finished for her and she had nothing planned for the day. She was however up and showered. This got me motivated. I showered and got dressed in my bike gear. Rain was forecast so I put my full wet weather gear on, it didn’t really rain though. I didn’t know where I was actually going, but with Lauren on my mind, I rode to her house. Its was so good to see her, if only for a short time. The conversation turned to motorbikes and she asked how the gears work. I took her to my bike and she actually sat on it (she hates motorbikes). I explained the gears and brakes etc. She made me promise that I wouldn’t start it up (its fairly noisy but legal ish officer). The ignition was turned on and she asked what the red switch was for. I said “pull it towards you and find out”. She did and the bike fired into life. I’m now particularly deaf due to the scream that came out of her mouth. She was horrified and said “you said you wouldn’t start it up” ……I didnt, you did (sorry).

I left Lauren and went to see my adopted family, Pete and Lynn. Lynn (at my request) has ordered a book for me from amazon, hopefully it is coming tomorrow. I stayed and chatted for an hour or so. Lynn offered me food, but I don’t have much of an appetite at the moment. I had a couple of cups of coffee before heading back to stowmarket to collect my prescription. As I queued up outside the surgery, I noticed how tense I was. My neck and shoulders where rigid. I left there and headed towards mototechniks to see the guys in there. On the way I had a massive wave of anxiety and worthlessness wash over me. I didnt go to the shop. I didn’t really know what I wanted to do. I knew if I went straight home I would just go to bed. I went for another ride on my bike

The ride helped a little and I didn’t want to be alone, so I called in to see my good old friend Mason. We sat and chatted over a hot drink socially distanced in his back garden. I noticed that I was starting a conversation and not really being able to finish it, my mind was foggy. I stayed until his wife Maxine came home. I went to lidl to buy something to eat (still not overly hungry). I bought 4 beef steak burgers, I managed to eat one of them.

Im exhausted now. I’m putting this down to being tense for large parts of the day and my body getting used to the change in medication. I’m going to bed. Tomorrow is another day.

About catmann1973

Hi, I’m Martin. 47 years old, living in Suffolk. I have three amazing grown up children. I have the best family and friends in the world. I am a football fan, love going to the gym and I am a motorcycle pilot. I’ve had mental health problems all of my life. This site is about my past, present and future. I’m hoping to make it easier for people to be able to speak freely about mental health. It can affect anyone at anytime.
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