Just existing

Thats all it feels I’m doing right now, I’m not alive at all. Where has my energy gone. Where is my enthusiasm? Don’t get me wrong, I do have moments of “aliveness ” but they are few and far between. I need to find my spark, my mojo, my passion.

My mind is more of a prison than concrete and steel could ever be, I’m currently serving a life sentence. Surely I’m due parole soon?

It feels strange to be sharing this all publicly instead of just writing in one of my many notebooks. Those will always remain private.

One positive came yesterday. I managed to watch and engage in a whole film!! Thats a first for weeks. It was the dark web film I blogged about yesterday. I have spent a large part of today (when actually awake) researching about the dark web and the deep web. It’s fascinating but at the same time scarey stuff. Just what I like. I’d love to go on tor and have a look for myself. Maybe in a library, one day.

I also managed to go out on my hybrid bike yesterday. Only five miles, but better than nothing. My fitness has dropped massively. I can’t wait for the gym to reopen. I’m also hoping that my b12 jab will kick in soon.

Music is my one pleasure at the moment. Currently obsessed with Pearl Jam. I hated them years ago, funny how your taste changes according to where you are in life. I don’t think I will be alive long enough to listen to all the music that I want to, even if I listen when I’m asleep.

I just found a card form a friend in my drawer saying “2020 will be your year”, it’s okay, I have tipex..

About catmann1973

Hi, I’m Martin. 47 years old, living in Suffolk. I have three amazing grown up children. I have the best family and friends in the world. I am a football fan, love going to the gym and I am a motorcycle pilot. I’ve had mental health problems all of my life. This site is about my past, present and future. I’m hoping to make it easier for people to be able to speak freely about mental health. It can affect anyone at anytime.
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