why?

I have a tattoo on my right calf. It is a picture of a brain with the word why? underneath it. I had it done years ago when I questioned myself as to why I had such bad anxiety and depression. Well, today I am asking my self why again. Not why I have the anxiety and depression in general, but why I have it right now. I have been doing so well, but from yesterday lunchtime I have struggled, badly. I just cannot understand why. Nothing has changed, no bad news, no big event.

I woke up several times during the night in a state of overwhelming dread and fear. I cannot explain why. I am alone in my flat and in no apparent danger. My mind is like a washing machine on a spin cycle, my thoughts are out of my control. I need to get a grip of myself. Its easy to put into practice and control my mind with all of the things I have learned when I’m feeling less anxious, but right now nothing is working. I could understand it if I was out of my comfort zone, but right now I’m just laying on my bed writing this.

As I have said in a previous blog, I am normally very tidy and cannot stand mess at all. Today my flat can stay exactly as it is. I have zero energy and even less motivation. I tried to read one of my many books, after reading the same paragraph over and over, I gave up. Not even music is doing it today. This is horrible.

It’s not yet 11am, but already I feel the whole day is going to be wasted. In an ideal word I would be able to fall back to sleep and wake up feeling better. In the real world it doesn’t work like that.

So why? today why? I really have no idea at all. I am almost forcing myself to write this. I haven’t blogged when feeling like this before. I’m hoping some one will be able to relate to what I am saying.

I will put all of my extremely sapped energy into overcoming this day. It will not beat me.

Its very overcast today, and not just the weather (Thanks Margie)

About catmann1973

Hi, I’m Martin. 47 years old, living in Suffolk. I have three amazing grown up children. I have the best family and friends in the world. I am a football fan, love going to the gym and I am a motorcycle pilot. I’ve had mental health problems all of my life. This site is about my past, present and future. I’m hoping to make it easier for people to be able to speak freely about mental health. It can affect anyone at anytime.
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