I have a tattoo on my right calf. It is a picture of a brain with the word why? underneath it. I had it done years ago when I questioned myself as to why I had such bad anxiety and depression. Well, today I am asking my self why again. Not why I have the anxiety and depression in general, but why I have it right now. I have been doing so well, but from yesterday lunchtime I have struggled, badly. I just cannot understand why. Nothing has changed, no bad news, no big event.
I woke up several times during the night in a state of overwhelming dread and fear. I cannot explain why. I am alone in my flat and in no apparent danger. My mind is like a washing machine on a spin cycle, my thoughts are out of my control. I need to get a grip of myself. Its easy to put into practice and control my mind with all of the things I have learned when I’m feeling less anxious, but right now nothing is working. I could understand it if I was out of my comfort zone, but right now I’m just laying on my bed writing this.
As I have said in a previous blog, I am normally very tidy and cannot stand mess at all. Today my flat can stay exactly as it is. I have zero energy and even less motivation. I tried to read one of my many books, after reading the same paragraph over and over, I gave up. Not even music is doing it today. This is horrible.
It’s not yet 11am, but already I feel the whole day is going to be wasted. In an ideal word I would be able to fall back to sleep and wake up feeling better. In the real world it doesn’t work like that.
So why? today why? I really have no idea at all. I am almost forcing myself to write this. I haven’t blogged when feeling like this before. I’m hoping some one will be able to relate to what I am saying.
I will put all of my extremely sapped energy into overcoming this day. It will not beat me.
Its very overcast today, and not just the weather (Thanks Margie)