When I started out my journey to recovery I was expecting massive changes instantly. The information sheet that came with my medication said they would start to take affect in 4 to 6 weeks. I expected to wake up after the fourth week and be cured.
Once I started to meditate, I expected to feel instant calm and clarity. I ignored the fact that meditation can take years to master. I literally opened my eyes and expected to feel better.
It was the same with my hypnotherapy. And also when I changed to rapid transformational therapy. I will speak more about this in a couple of weeks.
Reading was the next thing. I would buy or download a book. One that has amazing reviews and claims of instant change. I would read it and feel no difference.
The problem is I was relying on fixing the “chemical imbalance” with the medication, and external sources to fix my internal feelings.
When I was doing my listening exercise, I would only notice the times when my mind took over, not the times of silence.
I was blind to what was actually happening to me. I was so focused on feeling instantly better and beating myself up when the massive change didn’t happen. It was making me feel worse and that was all I could focus on.
I’m always in a rush to do anything. I can’t queue up or wait for anything, it is a big cause of my anxiety.
I became aware that this is the area that I most needed to change. I can’t carry on beating myself up. That doesn’t help me at. Half of my problem is, I never feel good enough, I lack confidence.
So why have I called this blog washing up? Well, it when I was washing up that I first noticed a change. I am a very tidy person, but it became a big chore to do my washing up. I would leave it for a couple of days (disgusting I know). I have no idea why I just couldn’t do it as I was going along like I always have. Like all the therapys etc that I have tried, i didn’t notice what I was achieving, I only noticed what I wasn’t.
Everyday I would get up, make my bed, tidy my flat and hoover etc. I didn’t notice how much I was doing, just what I wasn’t………the washing up.
So to change this I am looking at all the things I am improving. I’m talking to myself kindly, reassuring myself that I am good enough. I’m putting myself first. I’m taking a step back and actually noticing the small changes.
I now notice that I am so much calmer. My mind is clearing for longer periods each day. I am able to concentrate on things I am doing rather than have my mind wander off.
It’s a bit like a jigsaw, the pieces slowly fitting where they should and the overall picture becoming clearer. .