Washing up

When I started out my journey to recovery I was expecting massive changes instantly. The information sheet that came with my medication said they would start to take affect in 4 to 6 weeks. I expected to wake up after the fourth week and be cured.

Once I started to meditate, I expected to feel instant calm and clarity. I ignored the fact that meditation can take years to master. I literally opened my eyes and expected to feel better.

It was the same with my hypnotherapy. And also when I changed to rapid transformational therapy. I will speak more about this in a couple of weeks.

Reading was the next thing. I would buy or download a book. One that has amazing reviews and claims of instant change. I would read it and feel no difference.

The problem is I was relying on fixing the “chemical imbalance” with the medication, and external sources to fix my internal feelings.

When I was doing my listening exercise, I would only notice the times when my mind took over, not the times of silence.

I was blind to what was actually happening to me. I was so focused on feeling instantly better and beating myself up when the massive change didn’t happen. It was making me feel worse and that was all I could focus on.

I’m always in a rush to do anything. I can’t queue up or wait for anything, it is a big cause of my anxiety.

I became aware that this is the area that I most needed to change. I can’t carry on beating myself up. That doesn’t help me at. Half of my problem is, I never feel good enough, I lack confidence.

So why have I called this blog washing up? Well, it when I was washing up that I first noticed a change. I am a very tidy person, but it became a big chore to do my washing up. I would leave it for a couple of days (disgusting I know). I have no idea why I just couldn’t do it as I was going along like I always have. Like all the therapys etc that I have tried, i didn’t notice what I was achieving, I only noticed what I wasn’t.

Everyday I would get up, make my bed, tidy my flat and hoover etc. I didn’t notice how much I was doing, just what I wasn’t………the washing up.

So to change this I am looking at all the things I am improving. I’m talking to myself kindly, reassuring myself that I am good enough. I’m putting myself first. I’m taking a step back and actually noticing the small changes.

I now notice that I am so much calmer. My mind is clearing for longer periods each day. I am able to concentrate on things I am doing rather than have my mind wander off.

It’s a bit like a jigsaw, the pieces slowly fitting where they should and the overall picture becoming clearer. .

About catmann1973

Hi, I’m Martin. 47 years old, living in Suffolk. I have three amazing grown up children. I have the best family and friends in the world. I am a football fan, love going to the gym and I am a motorcycle pilot. I’ve had mental health problems all of my life. This site is about my past, present and future. I’m hoping to make it easier for people to be able to speak freely about mental health. It can affect anyone at anytime.
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